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Afterbirth and Redheads

This is one of those stories that will completely gross you out, make you laugh until you think you'll die, or you'll think it's so far out there that it isn't true. I promise you that not only is this story 100% true, i also have witnesses. Stories like this you'll indulge in occur in my life nearly every week and I'm thankful to have witnesses on hand to verify. These kinds of stories are also why I have a category called "yes, it REALLY happened."

Enjoy and a huge thank you to my daughter for permission to post this for your pleasure.

First, some background. I have another daughter who gave birth EXACTLY two months prior. We were getting ready to celebrate Thanksgiving and I was overcome by the amount of flies in my son's room. It's like it was the fly abyss I'd stepped into when I opened his door. Like EVERY SINGLE fly on the entire planet decided to have a special meeting. At my house. In my son's room. What the actual hell?!?! But I'm a self-appointed genius. I grab the fly spray and soak the room and everything in it with the stuff. Those buggers are dropping like flies (LMAO, see what I did there?) pun not intended, ok, maybe it was. So one by one these vomit eating heathen insects are dropping and it sounded like fat raindrops falling to the floor. Wasn't fast enough for me so I spray some more. Told you, genius. BECAUSE I'm a genius I tried to escape the hellfire of raining flies as quickly as I could to come back later to carcass collect. Well, I had heels on and the floor is hardwood. Take a guess at what happened...Yep. I slipped and fell. right onto my coccyx, tailbone, and was face to eyes with so many flies and felt many more falling on me. That is nasty beyond nasty. I shower and go to the ER. Did you know the the tailbone is one of the bones that take the longest to heal? And don't get me started on the pain. oof...bad On top of all of this we find out the dog we are dog sitting was pregnant! She goes into labor IN THE CLOSET of the fly cemetary so we moved her out and put her into my room. Poor dog. By the time my youngest is in labor with her baby, we had 10 puppies, a two month old, i babysat a 2 yr old, my son was in kindergarten but on break, and I'm at the hospital with my baby waiting for her baby to come and knew they both were going home with me so I can help. So chaos was all around. Back to my sweet one getting ready to push.

I was on my daughter's left and her step-mom was on the right. This was hours and hours and hours of labor. Finally going to meet my grandbaby and my daughter gets to meet her daughter! At this point in time, the apple watch was the thing to have and I had mine on. Her step-mom and I start talking about our workouts, how it's harder to lose weight as we age, funny things happening lately, how I'm surviving all those puppies and a newborn and will I survive another newborn. It's this moment that I diagnosed myself as clinically insane. It dawned on me...TWO NEWBORNS, newly discovered dead flies every day, and 10 puppies. I still can't figure out why I wasn't committed somewhere. So we're talking about my watch, the specs, do I like it, etc. This is when the nurse comes in to check on the progress.

My daughter is laying there, in pain, ready to push this baby out and I'm conversing with the step-mom about all kinds of stuff. The nurse does her thing and says "oh, wow! it looks like she has red hair!!" Without skipping a beat, still conversing, i lean forward to see for myself. Yep. Red hair. Now the nurse is talking with us about the watch and exercising and losing weight and the rarity of redhead people. As the 3 of us are talking, my poor baby is still in labor and in pain and it was almost like she was the least of our concern or that we were having ladies tea and she was interrupting it by having a baby. The nurse checks her again and again remarks about the read hair. I lean forward again since the nurse also said "ok, with next contraction you need to push like you have to poop, ok?" She does as instructed and now we can see the head! OMG!!!!! AMAZING! Did you know a woman will never be closer to death than when she is giving birth? True. So be nice to your mama! I'm leaning forward to look, step-mom is leaning forward to look. My daughter finally says "CAN YOU GUYS PLEASE SHUT THE HELL UP?!?!? IN CASE YOU DIDN'T NOTICE I'M TRYING TO HAVE A BABY HERE!!!!!!!!!!!" I almost laughed outloud but her eyeballs turned into daggers and I didn't wanna mess with that. She's exactly like me; angel to demon in 1/2 second flat. My daughter was in a relationship with this african american guy and I couldn't wait to meet this little baby and love on her. But red hair? Now this I'll have to fully see to believe. there I am again, leaning forward and seeing her head. I look at the hair, then my daughter, then the hair. Back and forth back and forth. Baby comes out, I start to cry. What a beautiful little baby!!!!! SHE SURE AS HECK HAS RED HAIR! Damn that ginger gene is strong!!!!!! But what are the first words from my mouth? Nothing about how beautiful she is or "good job, daughter!" nope....I said "ARE YOU SURE HER DADDY IS BLACK?" She rolled her eyes, shes become quite good at that. So like any new again grandma would do, I followed her to the little warmer thingy. My daughter says "mom, come hold my hand, it hurts." or something similar. I said "it's ok. it's just the afterbirth." At which point I recovered my sanity and popped back into reality to be there for my sweet daughter. My ginger baby turns 9 this year and is expecting a little brother! No repeats in the delivery room, either!

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Cathleen I really enjoyed this! Sooo funny!! You're such a good writer! Since you were 10!! I love you, my baby girl!! 💜 Mom

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