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Swamp Ass and Noses

There comes a time in our lives when we sweat. A lot. We can be ok with it by becoming one with our skin juice and soldier on or get completely grossed out and find a shower. There really are only a few reasons to sweat: you're hot, sick, exercising, or having happy happy boom boom. Of the those reasons, only two are worth it and personally speaking, if I'm going to sweat, it better not be because I'm hot. That said, every time I go back home in the summer, I manage to have swamp ass but all over my body, and swamp ass means I'm HOT. 😡

Being hot isn't my favorite hobby. Sleeping is. Sleeping while I'm hot is kinda funny because I don't think I've ever been hot while asleep. Also, my face turns a shade of pink that makes my head look like cotton candy with hair held up by a fat stick wearing shoes. I get up in the devil's buttcrack. And hated it. But since I was used to it, it didn't bother me as much as it does now. The year-round lows where I live are a little below my former city's lows in the winter. I love living on the coast and don't like going back home unless I have to. Aside from the heat, which also triggers seizures, you can't breathe there! My lovely hometown was awarded something as the worst in the nation. Not crime or rude ass people, but the worst AIR. Job security is what I called it when I was a registered respiratory therapist. There's a certain pocket along the freeway where you are overcome with crappy air and the heat from the buttcrack of the devil himself. Just *boom, smacks you straight in the face. I get short of breath and feel like the brawny man is tea-bagging me. Hate it. The first time we went back after moving is when I found out about swamp ass and it fits the definition well..

Swamp ass is defined as sweat from your nethers that soaks your pants and chonies so badly that you can literally wring them out and see sweat coming out of them. I know, gross. But not as bad as it sleeps.

We were swimming (I'm a swimmer, btw) and still hot. When you're too hot to swim you have a problem and should stay indoors. Since we were hot, we came inside to change and took my mama to get some food. I was in the backseat, mama in front with the husband. My poor mom is the victim of my being so blunt. I say things around her that I'd never say around my dad. At any rate, we're in the drive-thru placing our orders. I'm sweating like a mofo (did you know pigs don't sweat? So why do we say sweating like a pig?) and feeling like I'm gonna die. Then I felt it.

At first I thought it was princess time and in one second my thoughts were ; shit, blood is hard to get out of fabric, this is embarrassing, send me to be shark bait, and finally, I smack myself in the forehead because I remembered I'd had a total hysterectomy so it's been a long time since princess time for me.

I attempted to "check" to find out why it was wet. You know, like when you check a baby's diaper to determine if the baby made you an organic gift. Like that. It wasn't pee so WTH was it? Then it dawned on me. I was SWEATING. So I blurt out "dammit! I'm sweating in places I didn't know could sweat! What the actual hell?" My mom starts laughing, husband gives me "the look" but I didn't care! I don't wanna sweat from there and don't wanna have a funky ass! We all know that scent and it's gross! I'm telling a friend about this and she says "you had swamp ass, friend"

So, my friends, I can confidently say I have had swamp ass every time I go back and have also discovered swoobs and swagina, too. Not pretty and none are of benefit to me and for sure of no benefit to the noses around me.

Get some of that body deodorant. Your nose and other noses will appreciate it

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